Neither the Heart Nor the Courage
by Genis Aurion
Summary: ...to tell you I don't love you anymore. Oneshot, StanWendy.


_Hello._

_I am writing this story partially because I need a break from all the schoolwork and calculus-studying I've been doing lately. It's also partially due to my sickened attitude toward first-person narratives, which means a small break from WNLB. While I'm at it, if you happen to be a newcomer to my readings, go ahead and read that story, __Where No Leaf Blooms__. It's my current project which I'll be updating within due time._

_Anyway, hope this satisfies your readings in the meantime. Or, as I know one of you out there would rather call it, "Zakwritings." _

-

He knew they knew. It wasn't too hard to spot his passing peers turn to their companion whenever they saw him with her. He never failed in catching their suppressed giggles, their gossip-induced gasps. They probably all thought he was the same, clueless person he always was, the person who only saw the important things and nothing else in the 'down-low.' They probably thought they were doing their best to keep such a sacred secret away from him.

But in reality, he knew it just as well as they did.

It hadn't been too hard to figure out, either. Stanley Marsh was a brilliant kid, without a doubt, and you could only get away with asking him about his girlfriend so many times before he'd begin to question. His best friend, Kyle Broflovski, had feigned a lack of important interest, blaming questioning with curiosity. Kenneth McKormick, or just Kenny, would usually pipe in by tossing homosexual comments into the fray, claiming Kyle's interest to be interrogations on behalf on Kyle's self-interest. 

But Stan knew better. Even he knew that there was a reason to Kyle inquisitive behavior. After all, it was almost public knowledge that his relationship with Wendy Testaburger wasn't doing as well as he'd liked. Stan and Wendy—dubbed as the "Golden Couple," to most—had been the most perfect couple in the opinion of most of the student body. Perhaps it was in part due to the fact that it was anything but perfect that made it so likeable (after all, six breakups wasn't exactly perfect, was it?). And of course, when such an adored couple showed signs of falling apart, it was everything but their business to know and find out the causes of the instability.

…only, they would never find out the last part, because even Stan didn't really know why it wasn't working. Even after six breakups, making sure he hadn't repeated past mistakes, he still found himself at a loss of error. If only Wendy would tell him his fault, Stan would indeed correct his misbehavior in a heartbeat. But so long as he refused to let her know his suspicions of a failing relationship, she would never have the idea of even speaking of the matter to him; so long as she'd have to keep him guessing, he'd never know how to correct himself.

At times he'd try ignoring the matter, pretending he didn't know her problems with being around him. He'd pretend she were actually sleeping as she told him she was, instead of actually just ignoring his phone calls. He couldn't fake being in a healthy relationship, but when people asked he'd always find some way of keeping suppressed the actual theory of something being seriously wrong between them. But though at times taking his mind off the issue helped in dealing with the truth, most of the time it was heartbreaking.

After all, it was pretty hard to forget that you were in a relationship with a girl who wanted to break up with you.

-

After cheerleading practice that afternoon, Wendy found herself face to face with Stan's car. It was rather old, admittedly, a hand-me-down that his father gave. His father, having finally earned a promotion to being the incredibly-faulty weatherman, had gotten himself a new car, and consequently given the old one for Stan's usage. And though his mother (having believed the promotion to have involved some bribery) argued the new car should belong to someone who actually worked for his success, Mr. Marsh won out in the end.

As Wendy approached, her eyes were filled with something unrecognizable. It struck a heavy chord in Stan's heart, though his posture did not change any. As always, he had welcomed her into his car, greeting her as if it were any other day. Yet something was also gnawing at his insides, as if this _might_ just be the day she'd finally call it off.

"Hi, Stan."

"Hi, Wends." 

The typical, meaningless greeting at the end of each day. In fact, nowadays this was the only time of day they ever talked. Stan wished he could say they simply did not have the time, between Wendy's practices for the State competition and his own baseball tryouts. But he knew better. He knew she avoided him throughout the school day, and he knew he was the only person who stayed at the school late enough to be able to drive her home after cheerleading. He knew their lack of conversation wasn't coincidental.

This time, though, Stan knew he had to approach the matter, however indirectly. "You look somewhat hurt, Wends… you feeling okay?"

Her response was uninformative. "Just tired, Stan…. I feel like going home and taking a nap."

_And not talking to you any more than I already have to_.

"Yeah, I know what you mean."

Silence at the red light, pin drop at the green. Even as Stan turned onto different streets, only the sounds of the car were audible. Stan was sure Wendy was probably thinking internally more than she was letting out in speech, and he wished she would only say it in person.

But she did not, of course. Even as they arrived at her house.

"I'll see you tomorrow, then?" Stan asked weakly, and Wendy nodded.

"Yeah. I'll see you." For a moment their eyes met, both sets of blue orbs trying to read the other. Or at least, Stan wanted it to be so, but he knew he was probably the only one who cared about the other's thoughts. Perhaps Wendy did care about Stan and how he felt—after all, she hadn't broken up with him yet, had she? But even if that were so, she didn't allow herself to show it.

Stan raised his arm out as she began to step outside of the car, and at that instant he felt quite pathetic. Wendy continued on to exiting the car, slamming it shut behind her; and Stan was left alone to his bent form, his arm halfway to the passenger's seat, his face still stunned with a plea of help.

He couldn't even touch her anymore.

-

"Stan, can I talk to you for a second?" The very words Stan wished to hear from Wendy, but instead he found himself staring into Kenny's dark blue eyes. For a moment he wanted to believe it was Wendy's blue eyes into which he was staring, but eventually even his golden hair had ruined his hopes.

Stan had just bowled a strike, but the euphoria had only carried him so far. Now Kyle and Eric Cartman were staring holes through his head, and Stan could find nothing else but to remain motionless and rooted to the ground.

"You're taking him out of the game?" Cartman had asked incredulously. "But… but…. Goddamnit, Kenneh!"

"It won't be long," reasoned Kenny, shrugging. "Besides, he just bowled… and got a strike, I might add."

"But you need to bowl, still!" Kyle protested, pointing to the screen.

"Bowl for me. I'm losing anyway." Thereafter Kenny turned to Stan. "Shall we go?"

"Yeah." Stan already knew what Kenny wanted to talk about, of course. It wasn't too hard to figure out. In fact, Stan was surprised it was only until now that someone was even talking to him about it. Maybe it was because no one wanted a part in the destruction of the Golden Couple. And in that regard, it was almost fitting that Kenny would be the one to dare to deviate from that thinking.

Kenny had wanted to talk about two things, though both pertaining to Wendy. The first had been more of a confirmation, in which Kenny had asked if Wendy's ankle was doing better. Stan, of course, had no idea what Kenny had been referring to, but as it turned out she had sprained herself earlier that week while at practice. Consequently, upon further thinking, that had probably been why she looked hurt that afternoon.

The second was what Stan had been expecting the entire time, and he politely told Kenny so before he went any further.

"You know already?" Kenny asked again, as if making sure his ears were working correctly.

"Yeah."

At first, only silence greeted him. But after a small while Kenny spoke up. "But dude… why aren't you doing anything about it?"

"She doesn't know," Stan said simply. "I don't want her to think I'm curious about her. I want her to believe I want this still—because I really do. Somehow… I think she'll only find more reason to break up with me if I give reason to doubt her."

"But…" but Kenny could say no more. They walked back silently, both minds racing with thought, but neither said a word. Kyle's eyes were curiously upon Stan, noting the sudden change in behavior, but said nothing as he handed Stan his lucky bowling ball to bowl once more.

-

Unsurprisingly, Kyle had been the next to bring up the issue of Wendy around Stan. It was several days later during lunch, as they both stood in line to buy their homecoming tickets.

"Stan, you're being ridiculous," Kyle breathed, quietly enough so only Stan could hear.

"What?"

"I said you're being ridiculous." The redhead pointed to the money in Stan's hand. "You, paying for Wendy's homecoming ticket. You're being ridiculous."

"What's wrong with that?" asked Stan, though he knew well what was so wrong. "I'm her boyfriend; aren't boyfriends supposed to buy their girl their ticket?"

"Girlfriend, eh?—you had me fooled."

"What the hell's that supposed to mean?" Stan asked, biting his lip. He considered for a moment to let down the act, to tell Kyle he knew exactly what _that_ was supposed to mean. But instead he let that idea go, deciding it to perhaps be better to hope for that desired.

…only, when your best friend is as smart ant intuitive as Kyle, that tends to become somewhat difficult. "Listen, Stan… I want to help you. I don't want to be at ends with you, especially on a matter both of us know I'm right on. Stop living in denial and just _talk_ to me. Please?"

Stan gulped. Perhaps he should've felt guilty for not trusting his best friend—his Super Best Friend—with matters that were pressing in his mind (and maybe he did feel guilty), yet there was something there that overwhelmed that feeling. Something of a pain from Wendy's intent, yet something of an excitement of the possibility of something being fixed. Stan wasn't sure. Yet whatever had just happened, he knew for sure that the words from his mouth had definitely been consequent to those emotions.

"Okay."

-

Stan bought Wendy's ticket anyway, merely for the sake of already being in line. And though he knew it was coming, he couldn't help but to feel hurt when she took it from him with a mere thank you, and nothing more.

-

"If you want my opinion," began Kyle as he propped himself up on Stan's bed, "I think the both of you are just being plain idiotic."

"Thanks," Stan mouthed dryly. "Glad I could rely on you for advice."

"I'm only stating the truth! I mean, look at it this way. Somehow Wendy's found reason to break up with you, and somehow you've come to the realization of it without her knowing. She knows you love her very much, I'm sure, enough to have put up with her for six relationships, now—"

"Seven."

"—whatever. She at least cares enough to not want to hurt you by actually breaking up with you. But the fact that she's with you when she doesn't want to be is idiotic because if she cared enough she'd realize it's being unfair to you. From your perspective, you know she wants to break up with you, but you love her so much that you don't really care if she wants to call it off so long as you still get that chance to be with her. But you're being stupid too, because it's just plain idiotic to cling onto something that isn't real. Trust me, dude, you're only going to hurt yourself in the end."

"But…." Stan paused for a moment, sighing as he turned the other way. "But then, what _can_ I do, Kyle? I don't want this to end…. You know how much I love her, how I'd do just about anything for her…."

"I know, and so does she, I'm sure." The two sank into silence, Stan's head floating amongst muddled ideas and thoughts that only hurt his head in the clutter. Kyle knew exactly what he wanted to say next, and Stan had a vague idea; but it was only a matter of putting it into proper words….

"If only," Kyle began, but he trailed off momentarily. "If only… if only she had the heart to tell you what was on her mind… and if only you had the courage to confront her and to talk things through…."

"Maybe then things would work out?" Stan finished.

Kyle nodded but said nothing. It was a painful suggestion as it was to say anything else.

-

One day before the State competition, and two days after Wendy's ankle had recovered enough to practice again, Stan had decided to do it.

Wendy was letting off her excitement for the State competition (as she had been doing for the past several days) when Stan called her to his attention. Though acting innocently at first, Wendy finally did come down to the same level of seriousness as Stan was already at.

"We need to talk."

"I know."

Silence.

"You know how much I love you I'm sure, and… and…." Wendy merely watched Stan as he continued to stutter. "I don't know, Wends, it just blows my mind to think…. If you wanted to break up with me, why haven't you done it yet…?"

For a moment Wendy's face reflected shock, but it quickly faded as she began searching for an answer. Stan knew roughly what she'd say, based on what she'd said in the past. But for some reason, the most obvious response hadn't even slipped through even his more far-fetched reasoning.

"Because I still love you."

Now it was Stan's turn to become frozen in shock. The entire time he had been trying to cope with having a girlfriend who didn't want to be near him, he hadn't once thought of something so obvious. Wasn't that the most obvious reasoning for not having broken up with him yet? And the entire time Stan had been so focused on finding a reason that would stand out, a less obvious reason that would make more sense in his mind. But nothing… nothing like that….

"If you love me… if you love me, why do you want to break up with me…?"

But Stan never received an answer.

-

"I don't think I ever did understand it," Stan muttered quietly, as if not wanting to wake up the still air around him. It was a cold afternoon, somewhat damp from the previous rain, and Stan found himself alone amongst a field of stones. Melancholy filled the air around him, and he couldn't help but to peer consistently at the print on the stone in front of him.

"Kyle didn't understand it. I know he wanted to help, and he seemed right at the time, too. But I guess… I guess it never was that easy….

"You know what he said to me? Kyle told me that you didn't have the heart to break up with me, and I didn't have the courage to tell you I didn't want you to. And I guess it was the only observation he could've made at the time. But the both of us did come to a final conclusion that day, you know…. It wasn't that way at all. It was the other way around…. You didn't sprain your ankle. That wasn't why you stopped going to practices….

"I didn't have the heart to see how much you actually cared about me, to see that, in your eyes, breaking up with me was the best thing you_could_ do, because any other way, in your eyes, would have just been all the more painful for me.

"And you? You… you didn't have the courage to tell me your own secret, the one I never did find out. I found out you wanted to break up with me, and you knew that. But you knew I didn't know the other part. It was there…. There, you didn't find the courage to tell me you knew you were dying."

_**-fin-**_

_I think it was a little rushed at the end, but I gave nonslash a shot. I would appreciate it greatly if you took the time to review. Thanks._

_-Zak_


End file.
